Faith Vs. Reason

I'm learning right now that one of the reasons the Lord led us to adoption, is that I needed something to help my faith grow.  I have always known that I had a long ways to go.  But never have I seen with greater magnitude just how weak I really am on my own, and how much I have to rely on my Savior.

It seems like every day that we inch closer to traveling to meet our future daughter and the closer this is to becoming a reality and not just a bunch of paperwork and talk,  my feelings of inadequacy grow stronger and stronger.  I know it's Satan working on me because he knows how much our family will benefit and grow spiritually from having her, and he wants me to get discouraged.  So it's a daily battle.  Satan attacks my confidence.  I become discouraged, and afraid.  Then at bedtime, I pray as much as my weary mind can pray, throw my head on the pillow, then wake up in the morning with a renewed desire to be strong again.  With my mind clearer than the night before, I kneel before my maker, pleading with Him to once again  give me peace.  I tell Him once again how much I need Him.  Of course He already knows this.  But I just have to remind Him that I know it, too.  Then I open my scriptures, and as if on-cue, He sends me that assurance. Not a day goes by when I don't open up to something that gives me courage to move forward and reassurance that we are in line with God's will.

This morning, I found this courage in the story of Moses.  He experienced much of the same feelings that I am experiencing. He had freed the children of Israel, then led them on what seemed like a suicidal course right into the Red Sea.  The Egyptian armies were hot on their tails.  I imagine that all reason that existed in these people's minds cried out to go to the left or the right, because it was obvious that going straight ahead would lead them to death!  They were trapped between the Red Sea and the army.  The poor, scared Israelites cried out, "It had been better for us to serve the Egyptians, than that we should die in the wilderness." (Exodus 14:12)

This is where I identified with Moses.  He was alone. (The difference is I have my awesome co-captain, Jeremy. But I do feel alone in my personal struggles.)  The power of reason and the power of the people he was leading combined against him in a fury that he had never experienced.  But deep inside his soul, he had a power that was much greater than that of any man. It pushed him forward against all odds and against everything that was rational in people's minds.  This power came from his faith.  It ended up being what saved him and his people--temporally and spiritually.    We all know what happened next.  One of the greatest miracles recorded in the Bible. 

Have you ever faced a time when, like Moses and his people, your faith and the reason of the world seem incompatible and you have to make a choice between the two? This adoption is definitely one of those times for me.   Everything that man understands seems to swell like a big wave in the ocean, and in opposition, I stand here with all I've got...my faith.   I know it's not trendy or popular to have big families, or for that matter, adopt a child with special needs.  I'm learning that popularity is no longer something that matters. (We threw that out the window and to be honest, it kinda feels good.)  As we stand firm in our faith of what we know to be right, even when the big waves of human reason pound hard against us, we find ourselves unmoved.  Fazed?  Maybe a little.  But not moved.  My faith in Christ is my anchor.

Something I read recently in a book called The Infinite Atonement is that the atonement has no limitations.  Not only does it cover all our sins, transgressions, pain, temptations, and weaknesses, but get this...it also covers every demand that we have for faith.  Even Christ knows what it's like to take a step into the unknown.  When he was left alone on the cross, his father had to completely withdraw from him.  Yes, He was a god, but He was also human, and had to go forward all on his own even when reason told him He wouldn't be able to.  He had faith and exercised it.  And by that power, he "forged ahead in uncharted waters to consummate the atoning sacrifice."  It required all the faith he could summon.  I am so grateful to know that he completely understands how hard it is to have faith.

If you're still with me...thanks for reading my Sunday afternoon journal entry (public style :)) I felt like I needed to share these thoughts with you today.  May your faith in Christ anchor you in your trials and give you the courage to forge ahead.